The Anxiety of Being Fine All the Time – Why people who never fall apart often carry the most tightly wound nervous systems
Principal Clinical Psychologist – The Self Centre
Introduction
Most people imagine anxiety as something you can clearly see. They imagine obvious worry, shakiness, emotional overwhelm or someone openly sharing they are not coping. Yet in my therapy room, and across our team at The Self Centre, we sometimes notice a different pattern emerging. Some of the more anxious people we meet are those who appear consistently fine. They look calm, reliable and capable. People around them trust their steadiness. But internally, their nervous system may be working significantly harder than their external presentation suggests.
This quieter form of anxiety often hides under layers of responsibility, self control and emotional composure. To the outside world it looks like resilience. But internally it can feel like carrying a constant, invisible weight.
The Performance of Being Fine
The human nervous system is always communicating what we need, using clear signals across our body, emotions, thoughts, behaviour, and relationships. When we learn to listen to these physiological, emotional, cognitive, behavioural, and relational cues, we gain a precise map for understanding when we need rest, connection, boundaries, or support. When those signals are dismissed, minimised or repeatedly overridden, people can learn to stay outwardly calm even when their internal world feels activated or overwhelmed. Many of the adults we work with describe learning this early in life. Their emotions were discouraged, unsafe to express or simply they never had emotional modelling at home. So they adapted by becoming the child who copes, the teenager who manages, and eventually the adult who holds everything together.
Over time this becomes the familiar experience of being ‘fine’. And lets face it, workplaces reward it. Families depend on it. Friends even admire it. But inside, there may be constant vigilance, emotional flatness or a sense of being stretched thin.
The Hidden Physiology
Research shows that emotional suppression activates higher baseline sympathetic arousal, keeping the body in a subtle but chronic state of stress. Emotional inhibition has been linked with elevated cortisol, increased cardiovascular reactivity and poorer emotional wellbeing (Gross and Levenson, 1997, Aldao et al., 2010). In simple terms, staying composed all the time forces the nervous system to work harder than it is meant to.
Many high functioning adults do not recognise this pattern as anxiety because it does not feel chaotic – in fact, it just feels ‘normal’. Instead, they may notice chronic muscle tension, disrupted sleep, digestive discomfort, unwanted appetite gain/loss, irritability or emotional numbness.
When Fine Becomes Habit
For many people we work with, “fine” becomes less of a feeling and more of a default mode. Over time it becomes an unconscious habit used to minimise needs, push aside discomfort or deny internal tension. Common experiences include:
- difficulty slowing down, doinglessor taking breaks through the day
- overthinking before making decisions
- discomfort with vulnerability
- emotional flatness
- chronic self-reliance
- fear of disappointing others
None of these patterns are flaws. They are intelligent protective strategies, usually shaped early in life, that helped us stay safe, maintain connection with our caregivers, and survive emotionally by being visible when it brought care, or invisible when it brought protection. What once kept us safe can later become limiting, not because it is wrong, but because the nervous system is still using an old map in a new environment.
Therapeutic Approaches That Help
Several evidence-based approaches support people who appear outwardly fine while feeling internally anxious or dysregulated.
CBT helps identify perfectionistic patterns, rigid expectations and over responsibility.
ACT teaches ways to make space for internal discomfort rather than suppressing it, and gently supports movement toward valued living.
Schema Therapy helps people understand longstanding patterns such as emotional inhibition or self-sacrifice that have shaped coping strategies over many years.
DBT offers skills in emotional identification, regulation and distress tolerance, especially helpful for people who struggle to label their internal states.
EMDR supports clients whose emotional suppression is rooted in difficult earlier attachment or relational experiences. EMDR helps the nervous system process these experiences so the present feels less threatening.
These approaches have been proven time and time again to help people move from emotional containment to genuine emotional safety.
Practical Strategies to Try
Here are simple, supportive practices that can gently recalibrate an overworked nervous system.
Brief internal check ins
Take a few moments each day to notice sensations such as breath, tension or temperature. This simple practice strengthens interoceptive awareness, which is the foundation for recognising and responding to what you need.
Name what you feel
Choose a simple emotional label like uneasy, stretched or unsettled. Research shows that simply naming emotions (without trying to change them) reduces physiological arousal (Lieberman et al., 2007).
Soften one expectation daily
Choose a task where you gently reduce your usual standard to loosen internal pressure and challenge perfectionistic defaults. For example, leave the laundry unfolded until the next day, send a “good enough” email instead of re-editing it three times, or allow dinner to be simple rather than optimised.
Let someone in
Share a small, authentic truth with someone you trust. Even mild expressions of vulnerability can reduce internal pressure and support connection.
Conclusion
Being “fine” all the time is often not a personality trait, but a protective pattern shaped by earlier experiences and reinforced by environments that reward composure. With understanding and support, these patterns can be gently unlearned and replaced with healthier, more sustainable ways of experiencing yourself in the world. When we begin to notice what we truly feel, rather than what we think we should feel or what we have always felt out of habit, the nervous system gains new choice. This creates space for more honest self-connection, safer relationships, and a way of living that is regulated rather than merely managed.
Call to Action
If this experience feels familiar, our team at The Self Centre would like to support you to understand these patterns and build healthier emotional regulation. You can book an appointment, join our newsletter or attend our next information session on anxiety and emotional wellbeing.
References
Aldao, A., Nolen Hoeksema, S., and Schweizer, S. (2010). Emotion regulation strategies across psychopathology. Clinical Psychology Review.
Gross, J. J., and Levenson, R. W. (1997). Hiding feelings: the acute effects of inhibiting emotion expression. Journal of Abnormal Psychology.
Lieberman, M. D. et al. (2007). Putting feelings into words. Psychological Science.